I feel much better today after posting yesterdays’ 2-years-in-review including the ex-roommate rant. I hate having to write these rants online because it probably makes me look crazy or like I have bad luck, neither of which are attractive qualities in a person but I read somewhere last week that it’s bad to hold negative feelings in, because then those feelings just fester. Whether anyone reads this shit or not, I’m glad I have an outlet to sound off.
I was talking to someone at a Christmas party the other day about my NYE party, and saying how if it were up to me to choose what I’m best at, I’d wish I wrote amazing songs that inspire people or was the best musician of some sort, but the reality is I throw a really great summer BBQ and NYE party at my house and at this point in time, those are the 2 best things I do! I do live sound, I take photos and shoot video, I write an entertaining/irritating blog, and I play in some bands and I’m pretty good at all of those but I don’t think anyone is losing their mind over my bass playing or my piano covers. I’m happy I get to participate in those activities on whatever level I do and somehow scrape together a living from all of it, and I’m happy that at least something I do is considered by many people to be THE BEST, even if it’s just throwing parties a couple of times a year at my house.
I don’t see myself as having bad luck. I’ve found myself in a variety of situations over the years both positive and negative, and though I suppose it’d be nice if I’d already found success in some more traditional ways like having a steady income or sharing my life with someone I love, I’m very thankful my life is interesting, it isn’t boring and that I get to be true to myself allll the muthafucking time. Each and every one of us have our own tragedies, failures and disappointments we have to suffer and struggle with, balanced against whatever things in life we’re thankful for or excited about or family and friends we love that motivates us and makes it all worth it. Sometimes I wish I didn’t have to have cut so many people loose from my life, that I could have more friendships that go back 20 years, or even 10 years, or even 5 years…but the truth of the matter is YES it’s a painful process but the more people I tell to fuck off, the more my own visions and dreams and hopes keep manifesting and actualizing in my life, and as hard as it’s been to be around me at times the past couple of years, better people whom I respect, people who like me for who I am, keep coming into my life. I don’t think anyone who’s been cut loose is mad at me or can blame me. Though my mental health has gone up and down the past few (several?) years, it’s all pretty circumstantial. It’s my belief that if I ever gain some stability in my life, my brain and emotions will be juuuussssst fine. And other than spending 2005 with a crippling reoccurring case of tonsillitis, I’ve enjoyed strong physical health for most of my life.
I’m not sure where I’m going with this. I’m even sober right now and the tangents still never end, but I wanted to say something…I wanted to say I’m thankful for and proud of how my life is even though it’s fucked up sometimes. I do my best to be a nice, kind, reliable, good person, even though I’m an asshole sometimes. I’m following my bliss, and not everyone can say that.
What am I even talking about?! Doesn’t matter. Merrrrrrry Christmas everyone!!